The Oldest Roman Dildo Discovered—and It Looks a Bit Uncomfortable. Wooden, anyone?

Sex toys have evolved tremendously over time. From the bulky and somewhat intimidating designs of the early 2000s, today’s market offers a variety of quiet, discreet, dual-motor, and high-tech devices. However, if you lived in Northumbria under Roman rule, your options were definitely more basic.

Archaeologists now believe they’ve found what might be the first "lifesize" dildo carved from wood, measuring a rather startling 16 inches. 

This artifact was discovered in a ditch at the northern edge of Roman Britain. Researchers note that ancient wooden objects often shrink and warp with age, so it might have been even larger originally.

Initially cataloged as a "darning tool" after being unearthed at Vindolanda Roman fort in 1992, it was later reclassified, sparking new discussions on its use.

"Part of me thinks it’s pretty clear what it is—a penis," said Rob Collins, senior lecturer at Newcastle University. "I’m not sure who cataloged it, maybe someone was embarrassed or couldn’t believe the Romans would make something like this."

Phallic symbols were common in Roman culture, featured in mosaics, pottery, and even jewelry. Collins admitted he’d like to think it was for sexual pleasure, but also acknowledged it might have served other functions—like a pestle or even a charm to keep evil away. Basically, an ancient take on "swipe left instead of texting your ex."

"In archaeology, we can usually identify an object’s use," Collins added. "That wasn’t the case this time. We had to think broadly about why someone would carve a six-and-a-half-inch wooden phallus."